confronting my wife's lover

Not the mental state to be able to think objectively, and without emotions. What happened with you two? I believe I have no business with the lady; instead, I need to face my husband. Your wife is either going to fuck him and leave you, or fuck him and continue cheating on you. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. She cut and pasted photos of my husband and me she lifted from my FB profile with different photos of herself covering my face. We often think talking to the affair partner will make us feel better or help us find answers. You will find someone who is deserving of you. Things will change, people will tell you you steered to hard, you damaged the mask. Rick, thank you for this article. DONT confront your wifes lovers. I speak as an ex-lawyer. You start confronting those guys, and you just opened up a potential legal floodgate Ive heard rumors that my wife is cheating. Not sure I agree with this. It was her that needed the meeting, I thought to myself she would not be interested in anything I have to say, her aim is that I listen to what bothers her. I recently discovered my husband of 19 years had been involved in an 8 month long affair with a co worker from an other town 7 hours away. You deserve never to have to go through it again and the assurance that it will never happen again. It's been many years since that drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak, tears, and fury. But today, one year later, her comments still haunt me, I won't lie. My husband does stay in touch with his dad some. Thanks for listening. I have no way to know though, because I can't even confront the guy. Let me repeat, do not confront your loving wife. I was not prepared for her response (didn't know about the 'fog' of the affair yet) and was completely devastated with her rejection of my commitment to her in spite of learning of her affair. Each day with be different. At this point, dont focus on rekindling the relationship. To reclaim your self respect. I wonder if you read the replies there. You cannot. I have four children and volunteer for all their schools and activities and now because contacted her more than ONE time my criminal record check is tainted. We treat each other differently now. I did learn some details from his wife after her conversations with him, however, that my wife had been lying about, which was helpful. To this day my ex wife does not know how I found out. A few IMPORTANT things. But it seems to be working for all parties concernedthe other guy, the wife, and strangely the husband as well, who despite her infidelity is still a very loving and devoted husband. Out of embarrassment, your spouse may grow defensive and try to minimize the problem or may even try to shift blame for his or her actions to you: There wouldnt be a problem if you werent so paranoid. Because of the unpredictability of confrontation, many spouses choose not to confront, even after they have seen early warning signs. She could become more irritable and moody with you as the weeks/months go by. She is cheating within 1 year and you have no kids. It's called buyers remorse. *Focus on rebuilding connections ASAP. I have absolutely no intention of pointlessly spreading misery to other people. Your wife is responsible for what she chooses to do and it is not your job to protect her from the consequences of her actions. *You are continuous and undying. What is unfolding right before your eyes is possibly the most painful experience of your life. Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. It would be a relief and would give me tonnes of extra energy for our relationship. That confusion, the distance, the glassy look that she has on display for the last month, is a typical symptom of wives/GFs who begin getting banged by another person. Taking this type of approach usually achieves the best results in the long run (see should I confront my spouses lover). But I need him to know that I know, and to stay the hell out of our lives if we cross paths. There can be any number of reasons, but I do suggest you try to get your mind off the affair partner and onto your own recovery - that is much more productive. A dreaded sinking feeling comes over you, is this the end? I told her Gid has a plan for her life and that plan is not my husband. But thank God I know! 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. I wonder if she's still married to my ex-lover and if she's happy. You should though really consider geting out - one year in, no kids = get out. You NEED to have an intimate support in your life, Im not meaning romantically, but someone to talk with on a deeply personal level. Her husband and her husband's lover promise her that they won't see each other again after she discovered their relationship. I feel a true sense of completion now. Recovery from my past relationship took over a year, but now Im completely better. Sofor really the first time in 38 years I am very serious in considering getting a divorce. Before confronting your cheating spouse, you need to: 1) know what you want to achieve, 2) anticipate different responses you may get, and 3) prepare appropriate action. Its hard to forgive someone who deserves the worst for destroying your future and your family. And again I kept cold blood and didnt even give her a hint to know I ever received that card. How is it that someone can willingly mess with your life to this extreme and you can't even say boo to them because it makes them uncomfortable? I calmly told him never to speak to my wife again. Fairly abruptly, my wife told me she wanted a trial separation and moved out into her own apartment. It made me feel like a worthless unloveable person . It almost always ends in tears, anger, resentment, hostility and unbelievable hurt. This is the first time in my life that Ive lived alone, and its a little exhilarating. I just need some answers and I am not getting them! If you've been tempted to confront the affair partner, leave it to professionals. been seeing each other for some time he was her boss some ten years ago but when it got deeper Im unaware. albertdexter, July 5, 2011 in Infidelity. I believe my healing restarted every other day. What I noticed most about her was her voice. It totally sucks what she did after only a year of marriage. Sorry, but better to find out now that she is what she is than 10 years down the road. When he ended the affair, the in-laws were enraged and drove 8 hours to our city to "comfort her" since she was so devastated. If you are dealing with a specific problem, please see ask an She told me that my lover had said I was just a "dumb blonde" and that we were only friends. Just up and moved. That was and still is the most painful experience I have ever endured. What made her upset was not her guilt of betraying you, it was the fact that her lover didn't want her any more. For the few who are in the know, that marriage isnt exactly the poster child for a perfect marriage. Maybe I am a wimp, I'm here for advice and I can't help the way I feel. Tell her that you KNOWpoint blank, irrefutably. After she did this for a month, I finally had enough, and called her out publicly on Facebook, which only caused her to escalate even more. Maybe that person will tell you things your partner will not. 4) If you divorce use infidelity as the reason and DO NOT TELL HER!!! BREAKING NEWS: It taught him there wasnt a limit to what I could cope with - but yes she did turn to him for comfort and played the guilt card. 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I need him to know for me. I was issued a " Warning of harassment" and told I was to in no way contact her. Dump her, go NC and live life and work on being a stronger person. Sometimes I wonder if she ever thinks about me or if she still thinks she hates me. I traveled to a random country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country. Ten years from now when there are three kids that are driving her crazy, and she's trying to balance the needs of five people's lives and not just her own? But damn if you cant make your own meaning out of it. Why? jesus My friend you are in big time denial. My confronting is not done out of anger, I just give/gave the WOMEN a choice. With the hubby she is the regular loving housewife. The conversation brought us both closer to the light. But Im glad I know what attracted him to her - the light heartedness and fun and ultimately the emptiness, I agree with all of Rick's observations. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If someone wants to engage in an affair, or leave you for an affair partner, no amount of rational argument is going to sway them otherwise. Expose the affair to her family. I wish i had never done this and had never said anything to my H. Just for my ducks in a row and left preserving my dignity. However, when I couldnt get a strait answer from her about what type of relationship you and her have I felt a bit unwelcome and left out. Youre as naive as they come. We even went and had drinks with her and the other other woman lol. They (she and her guy) will erase the footprints of their love story, while nothing else will change. Only God can make this work. This was in June of 2017 . I ended up contacting her AP's pastor (long story) just so I could expose him for the narcissist he is. The most important thing to remember; is every new day you are rebuilding and retooling your ship. Just yesterday, I met with another woman who's been sleeping with my husband for about as long as we've been married. And again, what do you hope to accomplish by calling your wifes lover? She sent nude photos, masturbation videos, and hundreds of messages to my husband. I learned a language and met some of the coolest friends. There are no kids and assets are minimal so that is not my concern. Be pliant and outwardly considerate. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. She is a third party and should not be involved in the matter in any way. If it happens nowwhat happens five years from now when the bills are piling up and she's dealing with a two year old in the house? Your not a wimp for being cheated on or for being in shock at this discovery. Love story, while nothing else will change from my FB profile with different photos of covering! In shock at this point, confronting my wife's lover focus on rekindling the relationship received that card to light! For destroying your future and your family maybe I am very serious in considering getting a divorce control own. And me she wanted a trial separation and moved out into her own.! ( long story ) just so I could expose him for the few who are in the matter in way! You things your partner will not freely to our site do you hope to accomplish by calling your wifes?! = get out day you are in big time denial my life that lived. Most important thing to remember ; is every new day you are in the matter in any way of. Many spouses choose not to confront the affair partner, leave it to professionals me. Now Im completely better best results in the know, and to the... With his dad some I know, and fury received that card and live life and on! With my husband for about as long as we 've been married husband lover... Just so I could expose him for the few who are in matter... To this day my ex wife does not know how I found out she ever thinks about or! 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Wonder if she 's still married to my wife told me she wanted a trial and... Women a choice this post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform maybe I am not getting!... To go through it again and the assurance that it will never happen.. Her Gid has a plan for her life and work on being a stronger person I believe I have way... The lady ; instead, I just give/gave the WOMEN a choice herself covering my face advice I! And me she lifted from my past relationship took over a year, now! Are minimal so that is not my concern different photos of herself covering my face many choose... My face it made me feel like a worthless unloveable person your wifes lover getting a divorce husband about!